- Every answer is C. You try to find another answer. There is none. They are all C.
- Your pencil breaks. It will not sharpen. Time is running out.
- When did you answer that question? You don’t remember answering that question. It has always been answered.
- There has been 5 minutes left for hours. How much time is left? The teacher won’t tell you.
- There is no question 36. It never exisited. Where did it go?
- This wasn’t in the textbook or the notes. You ask your teacher. They don’t know.
- Where are your notes? You could have sworn they were in this folder. They were never in that folder.
- You are tired, so tired. When is the last time you slept? You don’t remember.
- When does the next exam start? You ask so many people. You get no answers.
- The essay questions aren’t on the test. Where are they? Everyone is writing the essay questions. Yours have dissapeared.
Young Adult Novels
I am getting very annoyed with young adult novels. All I want is a good book for my age group that’s not about gay chainsmokers trying to kill themselves in the dystopia. They’re all the same. That is why I have come up with a checklist for book shopping. If the book I pick up has any of these things, I immediately put it down. Or chuck it out a window. Whichever comes first.
- Any books that have an opening scene in a mall. This means the book is going one of two ways–the main character is the archetypal mean girl who’s obsessed with shopping, or the main character has to survive a mall dystopia. God, there’s nothing I hate more than mall dystopias. The books are always like “Oh no! The government released a toxic chemical that melts everyone’s faces off! At least there’s this conveniently placed Taco Bell and hot guy who got trapped in the mall with me who I will proceed to make out with for the rest of the book.”
- A character with a misspelling of a normal name, such as Gennifar or Joanatan or Britttanee. Along the same lines, a character named after an inanimate object or place, such as a fruit or a city (Denver, Lemon, Lilywhite, Cedar, Colombia). It cannot be that difficult to name your character something normal.
- Any book with pills on the cover–just from the cover you know it’s going to be some story of a kid who attempts suicide and then is rescued by his manic pixie dream girl of a neighbour who pumps his stomach out with her own bare hands and also coincidentally commits suicide at the end of the book. Similarly, books with things being shattered on the cover should be avoided because they are typically about the main character shooting up their school.
- Any books with words like “smoke” or “shadows” or “raven” in the title. Also titles like “The _______ _______” (The Smoke Sword, The Blood Ashes, The Witch Rebel). These books typically are about a girl with magic powers fighting against a tyrannical ruler to win the love of the handsome rebel prince who dies at the end. There’s a lot of crying and kissing that happens in these books, even though it says they’re high fantasy.
- Books with faces on the cover. This is a rule that I learned from my friend. Stylized drawings of faces are usually okay, but books with pictures of faces on the cover are shit. Total shit.
- Finally, I warn you away from any book that has the words “you” or “me” in the title–especially books that have both. Those books are always about the bad kid who falls in love with the bookworm, or the cheerleader who falls in love with the outcast. Surprise, surprise–one of them dies at the end.
Honestly, I now realize that this is an extensive list and you should probably just stay away from all YA novels for the sake of your and my sanities both.
Exams Gothic
excuse the editing
Modelling
I always get a little confused when I look at professional pictures of professional people doing supposedly professional poses. For example, some SNL bumpers just seem a little odd to me.
Like, who thought of these poses? I can’t imagine what this photoshoot was like. Were they all like, “Hi, Mr. Adam Driver, sir, can you pretend to eat a skunk?” That’s how I imagine it would happen. And then Lorne Michaels would drop in and be like, “PERFECT! That’s just what we need! Kylo Ren eating a small mammal!” To be fair, it’s not just SNL bumpers that I see this trend.
I feel like things like this were meant as a prank. Like, someone was just trying to mess with Cara Delevigne by joking about sending this photo in, and then they actually did by accident, and now it’s in a magazine. Also, is it just me, or does it seem like a lot of modelling is just stills from fashionable porn?
Like, come on, guys, we don’t need to see that. Especially the fact you shaved a G into your pubic hair? That had to be a little weird.
Also, I’m pretty sure models exist as a supposed perfect specimen of fashion and beauty.
Is this woman being compared to a spoon? Am I supposed to find a spoon attractive? Is this our precedent for beauty?
Maybe this is just me. Let me know if everyone thinks a spoon is objectively beautiful.
Things That I Don’t Understand
I will admit, I am not too smart. But these are the things I especially don’t understand.
1. Author blurbs on the back flap of autobiographies. That honestly doesn’t make sense to me at all. Like, I just read an entire book about you. I don’t need to read about where you grew up and where you live now. I ALREADY KNOW.
2. That trend where people wear extraneous plaid shirts.
What are you doing with that? Are you wearing it as a belt? Are you going to wear it later? No, probably not, because it’s just a useless plaid shirt.
3. Speaking of trends, what is with artisanal overalls? Maybe I’m overstepping my boundaries here as I’m not the most fashionable person, but people will pay $80 for overalls with holes in them. I would understand it if they were comfortable, but those are like skinny overalls, making them the most uncomfortable thing on planet earth.
4. Will Arnett’s twitter.
I really don’t get why he put the TM after his name. I think it’s for comedy, but it’s very possible that Will Arnett is actually a robot and his software is trademarked. In this day and age, people tend to take Trademark law very seriously, which makes me fear even writing about Will Arnett.
5. Teachers who say that you’re gonna fail their class. Doesn’t????? That????? Mean???? You’re????? Bad????? At????? Your????? Job?????
6. Messy braids. I understand that you can braid your hair and have a couple strands out and it looks fine, but this has been taken wayyyyyyy too far.
That just looks like you slept with a braid in.
7. Authors. I actually did a school project on this. I feel like half the time authors claim to have writer’s block but they don’t really have writer’s block and just wanna do shit like this:
What the hell, authors.
8. Rubik’s Cubes. Why. WHY. Why would you even try. This is something that you wreck for the sole purpose of putting it back together, except sometimes you can’t put it back together, so you run a high risk of destroying the beauty of it. I feel like Rubik’s Cubes just exist to be angrily thrown against a wall.
That’s all for now. There are many more confusing things in this world, but I’ll write about those later.
An Unexpected Beatbox Battle
So recently in my school we’ve been choosing our classes for next year, and to do so, we need to get our course selection sheet signed by our teachers. During study hall, I was trying to get mine signed by my math teacher. To do so, I had to cross the senior bridge. This is a bridge that connects the two buildings of my school that has a bunch of chairs and tables on it. It’s pretty much reserved for seniors who have a free period or a cancelled class. As I was walking to class, I noticed that the senior bridge seemed pretty crowded. As I got closer I noticed everyone staring at a group of students standing opposite to one of the music teachers at my school, who had a student behind him who recently was confined to a wheelchair due to a bad accident. As I got closer, I noticed the music teacher beatboxing. Everyone was kind of in awe of what he was doing. I just tried to pass as fast as possible to get my course selection sheet signed. I didn’t really know how to react.
The Inevitability Of Death, Brought To You By My Gym Packet
In my gym class, we just started a new unit. It’s our team games unit, in which practice working with a team and communication skills. This unit started out okay. All we did was play tag and dodgeball, which was great compared to our last unit–fitness testing. However, there was one downfall. Every unit in gym, we get a packet. For this packet, everything appeared normal. That is, until the fourth page:
If you were too lazy to read that, the basic idea was that everyone dies so enjoy life while it lasts. The first line was “Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end”. There is no context to this. The page before was related to the unit:
To my friends and I, it was really perplexing to find this in our gym packets. My only explanation of this is that my teacher wanted to remind us that we should work in teams while we were alive because there will be no teams when teams when we are dead, just nothingness. In any case, I’m glad that I was humbled by my gym packet. Because, ya know, when else am I going to be reminded that I’m going to die some day?
My First Vlog
My Gift Giving Guide
It’s the holiday season, and you know what that means! It’s time for an obnoxious amount of gift giving guides! Because of that, I thought I might make my own gift giving guide.
- The holiday season is the perfect time to send that special person an exceptionally passive aggressive message in the form of a nice gift. Try a new perfume because the one they’re using clearly doesn’t work.
- You could also go for just plain aggressive aggressive and give someone a new washing machine because the one they’re using now clearly doesn’t work.
- On the other hand, you could get someone something completely unrelated to how awful they smell, like a nice new cookbook.
- Ugly Christmas sweaters are ALWAYS a good idea, especially if you’re the type of person who doesn’t have the foresight to realize that the person receiving the gift won’t be able to wear it for another 11 months.
- Books are a great idea, but kind of risky because the gift receiver may have already read the book you’re trying to give to them. However, the exception to this is The Fault In Our Stars by John Green–every teen girl wants another copy of this book to add to the 15 copies they already have.
- iTunes gift cards are a good idea because they show the gift receiver that you care enough to know they like music, but you don’t have to put any real effort in.
- On second thought, any gift cards are a good idea to show that you care but not TOO much.
- If you’re getting gifts for children, make sure that they follow gender stereotypes as close as possible. To make sure you’re doing this correctly, compare the child you’re buying a gift for to your idea of every other child that age and gender in your country. EXAMPLE: Hm, Timmy said that he wanted a doll for Christmas. But do typical American male 6-year-olds like dolls? HELL NO! Get him a truck instead.
- Along the same lines, if you’re getting a tween a gift, make sure you get something that relates to the impending pubescent stage in their life. For girls, I recommend something like tampons so they can open it in front of everyone and be incredibly embarrassed. For boys, I recommend something to help them deal with their newfound incredibly fragile masculinity, like a bebe gun to shoot at their insecurities.
- Finally, if you don’t know what to get someone, get them socks. Everyone loves socks. You can never go wrong with socks.
So that was my gift guide! Hope you enjoyed and happy holidays!
